How To Deal With Anger
Things happen frequently that upset us, and sometimes something might happen that leads us to feel angry about the situation. The good news is that feeling angry is a normal part of life – just as we feel happy or sad, so too we feel angry from time to time. So allow yourself to feel what you feel - and do not torture yourself or think you are wrong to feel how you feel.
Here is the bad news. If you ignore anger, it will not go away. Neither will venting about anger make your feelings go away. Pretending to be nice all the time or that everything is fine and burying your feelings of anger will not make them go away. Saying nothing and withdrawing from the situation will not work nor does denying anything is wrong. Feeling angry is normal - but it must be managed and resolved to be let go.
Being Angry Is Not A Problem, Losing Control Is
Being angry is not the problem, losing control of your anger is a problem and you should try hard to avoid taking out your anger on other people or objects since it never solves the problem. Saying something in the heat of the moment or in a hurtful way can lead to regret later and usually it makes the problem even worse.
Even though you might feel like punching something, or yelling as loud as you can, or saying what you really think right then and there, venting your anger in this way often worsens the situation since it makes the whole environment more aggressive and may mean the other person reacts to your manner rather than your message.
Suppressing feelings of anger doesn’t solve the situation either. Bottling up your feelings can lead to all sorts of problems such as high blood pressure and substance addiction, and it can lead to passive-aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior is a form of behavior where people get back at the person through indirect means such as criticism and put-downs.
Nor should you simply tell the person when you are angry so that you can get your feelings off your chest and dump it on them. Unconstrained expression of anger can escalate the situation just as much as losing control does.
If you have children, it is especially important to manage anger and follow these three steps for a better, healthier approach to dealing with the heat of the moment.
4 Steps To Deal With Your Anger
Step 1: Recognize that you feel angry and know that it is a normal emotion.
The first step in dealing with anger is to understand that it is okay to be angry and it is a normal part of life. It is also okay to admit that you are feeling angry about the situation. Your feelings are important and you should feel comfortable about admitting to them.
Step 2: Get calm.
The second step in dealing with anger is to calm down. There are plenty of things you can do to calm down such as taking a walk, speaking to a trusted friend or confidante, going to bed and resting, writing your feelings down in a diary or in a letter (but keep your writing to yourself), yoga or meditation. You can take some deep breaths, exercise, draw or listen to music. You need to find a technique that works for you and do it whenever you feel angry to help calm yourself down.
Step 3: Talk about your anger.
Once you are calm, then you are better able to discuss your anger with the other person involved. You need to avoid finger-pointing, rather concentrate on you and your feelings which means using I-statements, such as “I feel angry when (this situation) occurs because (reason).”
(You can tell the other person you’ll talk about it later once you’ve calmed down. Talking to a friend or confidante might make you feel calmer and help to get clarity on the issues.)
Step 4: Look for a way to move forward.
Once this is expressed, you can follow it up with a statement about what changes you would like to happen so that the situation that causes you to feel angry is less likely to reoccur in the future.
The first important point here is to ensure that what you say is reasonable and, if you avoid blame and finger-pointing you are less likely to make the other person feel defensive. Try to be fair to both you and the other person.
The second important point is that the other person may have a different view to yours and you should be prepared to listen to their perspective and be respectful of what they have to say. You need to try to understand their point of view even if you don’t agree with it.
5 Tips To Managing Anger In The Future
Tip 1: Know your limits and your triggers.
Try to understand what causes you to become angry. After that, try to devise a plan for reacting differently if that occasion happens again. In other words, if you know that you become angry when a certain situation occurs, plan in advance how you are going to react to it. While planning ahead might not stop you feeling angry, it may help you by being prepared to manage your situation differently.
Tip 2: Stay away from substances that can increase anger.
Some of the most common substances that contribute towards a shortness of temper are alcohol, drugs, caffeine and lack of sleep. Wherever possible, and especially when you are going through a stressful time, try to avoid excessive use of alcohol or other substances and get plenty of rest.
Tip 3: Practice your calming techniques.
The best time to practice your calming techniques is when you’re not angry, so practice the best techniques for yourself when you are happy so that they become second-nature for you when you are annoyed.
Tip 4: Focus on your message – not your manner.
Often when people get angry, they say things in such a way as to make the situation worse. This will almost certainly be the outcome if blame, accusations or put-downs are part of the dialogue. What happens in these situations is that the other person starts to focus on your manner – not your message and what you are trying to say. Listen to your words and think about what you say before you say it, and if necessary change your language to be less intimidating or threatening.
Tip 5: Remember an argument is not the end of the world, it’s just an argument.
Everyone disagrees with someone and if it ends up as an argument it isn’t the end of the world. By keeping an argument in perspective, you will avoid making a mountain out of a molehill and be better prepared to move forward. Don’t hold grudges since the only person who suffers is you.
How To Handle Someone Else’s Anger
It is all very well to know how to handle your own anger, but what if someone is angry at you? What do you do then?
When someone else is angry, it may well be that other person ranting and raving, or becoming aggressive, so you need to reverse the strategies above and focus your attention on the anger of the other person.
Don’t ever be intimidated by anger. If you think you are in danger or that you are at risk of being hurt, leave. There is absolutely nothing wrong with walking away from harm’s way. In fact, this is exactly what you need to do. If children are involved, make sure that they are removed from any dangerous situation as well.
3 Steps To Restoring Calm
Step 1: The first thing you need to try to achieve is a sense of calm. Turn your listening ears on and concentrate. The more they talk, the quicker they usually calm down. Try not to interrupt them talking.
Step 2: Validate the angry person’s feelings. This is a statement such as “I see that you are angry about (situation) and I’m hearing that you are angry (because).” Then you might follow this up with an empathy statement such as “I feel this way too when (situation) happens.” Be sincere since most people see through insincerity.
Step 3: Look for a way forward. This is a statement such as “would it help if I…?” and if they say no, ask what would help them. This shows emotional maturity on your part and an active desire to try to resolve the conflict.
This can be followed up by discussing options and choices about paths moving forward. Try to get the other person brainstorming ideas with you about options and choices.
Final Thoughts
Most people don’t like conflict because it has negative connotations and can leave people feeling intimidated by the conflict process.
It doesn’t need to be this way, and these tips and strategies offer you a way to manage anger more effectively and with emotional maturity. They offer ways to diffuse situations that are heated in such a way that both people can walk away feeling like they haven’t lost as part of the process.
Anger, whether it is your own or someone else’s, needs calm to be resolved, and only when the situation is calm, can both of you work towards a solution or compromise. And most important of all an argument is simply an argument, it is not the end of the world, so make sure that you keep it in this perspective so that your own sense of calm is not jeopardized for long periods. Don’t hold grudges or resentment, just look for ways to move forward. You will be much happier as a result.
Fiona Mackenzie is the author of How To Know: When To Separate, a practical eBook that deals with the relationship topic of how to know when it is over. How To Know: When To Separate includes tips, strategies and techniques used by the author to manage the end of her relationship and learn how to be happy once more.
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